September 7, 2006
Rollercoaster
She said Rollercoaster was our song and I think it caused a little crack in my heart at that moment. I don’t want to be anybody’s rollercoaster ride.
It’s up and down so frequently. Sharp lows and glimpses of possible highs, all in the span of a day. But things are just getting deeper, uglier. All that ground I made over the last year or two seems to have been demolished during my visit with my family. And now I’m just sort of absently watching the calendar, wondering when the trumpets are gunna sound. Knowing with eerie certainty that it will be soon. Sometimes discussing it with him, and feeling torn at his… resignation? I never really understand my husband, what drives him. He accepts my madness quietly.
I don’t know. I thought I’d beaten these feelings. Figured out the formula to keep myself level, and sometimes even blissful. Over the years I vacillated between deciding that I was born with this flaw, and that it had just been nurture. But I always seem to come back to a place that feels too familiar to be just conditioning. It’s an ugly feeling to think of yourself as born rotten.
I’m not sure why I’m keeping this entry public. It just doesn’t feel worth hiding this one. Secrecy gets… very tiring.